Charting a Good Way Forward

What it Means to be a "Real Man"

I live in a bubble. Not an illusory one. A real one.

I live in a city, Houston, in a state, Texas, that puts me in a bubble.

Houston, Texas is among the most diverse cities in the United States. Our restaurants are outstanding and variety is beyond belief. We have one of the best symphonies in the country. As well as outstanding opera, ballet and dramatic theater venues galore. Great educational institutions. Houston is a sanctuary city and affirming for those in the LBGTQIA+ demographic. This is all good

Texas, as a state, however, doesn’t rank so highly. Though the Medical Center in Houston is one of the nation’s best - I’m still alive because of it - The Commonwealth Fund’s Scorecard ranked Texas dead last among all 50 states for overall health system performance. We have the highest rate of uninsured in the entire U.S. We are 41st in child well-being. Overall quality-of-life studies consistently place Texas among the lowest-ranked states.

All of this is more than ironic when the big “brag” of Texas is how wealthy the “oil industry” has made the state.

When it comes to politics, don’t get me started. Well, I’m already started so let’s keep going.

Two candidates have been put forward for U.S. Senate.

One has been indicted for securities fraud, impeached, cost taxpayers $3.3 million for whistleblower complaints, is under federal investigation for making false statements to a financial institution, accused of adultery by his wife, etc.

The other candidate is a current seminarian (Presbyterian) studying for the ministry.

What has pulled me into this maelstrom is that, having no stronger points to argue, the opposition has decided to attack the seminarian for “not being a man.” These attacks have not been subtle. White House deputy chief of staff, Stephen Miller, has claimed that this candidate is the “first transgender Senate candidate.” This is not just a falsehood. It is a lie.

I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t want to run for public office because I’m sure folks could dig up plenty of negative stuff to spin into a story about what a horrible person I am.

The thing that disturbs me is that this negative “anti-masculine” campaign just might work. If it does, we will elect “a serial adulterer whose’s been indicated for fraud and impeached by fellow Republicans; he also recently made a much-criticized plea deal with a political connected pedophile to serve one day in jail.” (Source: The Week. June 19, 2026, page 17.)

Between now and November there will be much talk about what it means to “be a man.” Since this is something I do feel quite qualified to speak on, here goes:

Most of my work as a psychotherapist has been with men. I can safely say that most of the men who have consulted with me were experiencing some form of what I call “covert depression.” There are, no doubt, many reasons for this. Here are the four main ones I have encountered over several decades of doing this work.

First, many men do not know how to love. Our culture leads men to objectify and idealize women. Our culture is very misogynistic. We talk a good game when it comes to gender equality but almost nowhere is it truly practiced. And when it comes to men loving men, the homophobia that stirs up is just astounding. I cannot tell you how many men I have worked with over the years who have never heard their father say, “I love you” or who have been genuinely embraced by their fathers.

Being a real man involves knowing how to love.

Second, many men do not know what it means to be powerful. We value strength but there is a world of difference between power and strength. A gorilla is strong but you don’t send a gorilla to deal with an upset infant at two o’clock in the morning. That endeavor requires power.

Third, many men do not know why they are here. Men have been trained, especially in this culture to identify who they are with what they do and how much money their make.

One of my beautiful bride’s favorite cities is Barcelona, Spain. We have been fortunate enough to have been there several times. Once, on an extended stay I struck up a conversation with a man I had seen several days in our hotel lobby. I asked him what he did. He said, “I go to the beach. I go to the cinema with my wife. My family enjoys picnics. I love naps.” It quickly became apparent that he was “playing” with me. He said, “Oh, you mean what do I do to live?” When I said, “Yes,” he replied, “I eat, I breathe, I sleep, I love.” Then he added, “That’s the difference between us. You Americans live to work. We work to live.” Point taken.

Fourth, many men lack clarity about what it means to live with integrity. I don’t mean just speaking honestly, though that is hugely important. I mean it in the classic psychological sense of “getting you sh*t”  *together. What does it mean to live with an integrated personality. This is, of course, a lifelong task. Many men don’t have a clue about how to undertake it.

All of this being said, I’m all for electing a “real man” to public office. A real man know how to love, how to be powerful, why he is here, and does all this with integrity.